Remembering Grandma

On November 17 my grandmother passed away. She was a remarkable woman, even considering that each person is remarkable in his own way. Her hometown in Germany was firebombed near the end of WWII by Allied forces, killing many of her friends and one quarter of the town's residents. Not long thereafter, at the age of 25, she emigrated to the U.S.. Within 15 years, she would be a widower with 5 small children living in a rural Utah community. She was a natural born teacher and got a Bachelor's degree in education at the age of 36 and a Master's at 43 -- all while teaching at the local elementary school and raising 5 children as a single mother. After a few decades of teaching first grade, she was chosen as Utah State teacher of the year and was brought to Washington, DC to meet President Reagan.

After decades of being alone, she picked up an elderly, but adventurous boyfriend during one of her many trips to Germany, and they spent much time together both in Europe and America for 12 years until his death. She had a knack for talking to people and was a great flirt, which, she hinted, had brought her both problems and dividends as a young woman.

She was very frugal, resourceful, disciplined, and both loving and stern as Germans are known to be. While her first-graders adored her and saw her at her best, some of her own children and grandchildren felt judged or unappreciated by her, leading to long-lasting emotional distress and regrets. She could not understand why some people became defensive around her. She was often critical of people's appearance, formed judgments quickly, had obvious favorites (usually male), and would never fully accept some of her children's spouses. At the same time, she was a sentimental person and often cried when remembering the past, particularly when recalling other people's acts of kindness.

Grandma had a stubborn and independent spirit. Not long after marrying a Utah farmer who would later die young in a tragic accident, she began to distance herself from the Mormon faith, of which at least 95% of the local community were members. She managed to retain her standing and friendships in the community, never openly rejecting Mormonism but professing basic moral principles and an affinity for some expressions of the religious life, such as Handel's Messiah, the writings of Paul, and modern writings by spiritual leaders such as the Dalai Lama. As a result of her experiences, she was the only one in my extended family who was able to relate to me when I chose to officially leave the Mormon church 7 years ago, and thereafter took an increased interest in my well-being. Furthermore, as an immigrant herself, she could appreciate my experience of relocating to Ukraine. This fostered a warm bond between us that made our relationship meaningful to me.

I traveled with her twice in Germany and Austria in her later years before her health failed. Like me, she loved hiking and nature and was drawn to mountains. My last conversation with her was over the phone when calling from my wedding reception. Already very weak and immobile, she said then that she wasn't sure she would make it much longer. I think I did most of my grieving then. Death is part of the cycle of life, and it can come at any time. My grandma was fortunate to have enjoyed a long and rewarding life, and to be remembered by so many. You can read her obituary with readers' comments online.

With Grandma in Salzburg, Austria, in 2004.